Out Of The Wilderness

How can I describe my life right now after all I have been? I always hear myself say not to look back because the most picturesque memories I had captured in my whole life had been crosshatched by the grayish most atrocious experience of my not so long ago past. There will be no good way to look back with these silver linings hanging over my head. My views will always be distorted and couldn't demagnetize its every annoying forces not to turn my head on remembering everything. That's something that no elements in my circle of life ever to detoxify these certain memories not unless, maybe, my brain would have amnesia.

So I tried not to look back as I tried to always look forward. However, life is a journey. Sometimes we need to look back to understand where we are at this present time in order to figure out if  we're really heading to the future we've envisioned. I've always known where my next destination but this time after I've challenged my fears to get out of its comfort zone, I win some and I lose some. I won because I knew my weaknesses and strengths. I lost because I don't know where I am now. I am caught somewhere I don't know when and where to go. I'm totally clueless.

I used to received an answer in a timely fashion and I'm always entertained by my own consciousness looking around my journey just like an excited traveler, gasping for an air with an open mouth to taste how air should be like, free sans anything suppressing it and I'm someone who no longer mind to put my life over the edge after all I had been in the wilderness.  This time the journey is taking longer to call me. I don't know if being delayed is already to be considered a journey. If it does. I'm still willing to wait for another ride to whenever it will come to pick me up, if I'm still entitled to have one or probably I have already reached my final destination from which I need to stay and start a new life.

I've actually tried to look for a lot of option and I once seen myself down standing with two remaining streets to choose from but the one I've chosen, I've always failed to accomplish anything. It feels like it wasn't for me. It's the most difficult street that people would ever find themselves be walking in but everyone has their own ways to walk through it to succeed and I wish I could also do it in any other way. I just still don't know how that all I have is faith.

Nevertheless, I still long for  something real, something that will never lasts and may God help me be there and believe that He would always choose me to give love and protection. I would still wait. Maybe would still wait to hear this life says 'Go or 'Stay. Wherever would I be, I hope I will be in the best future. If that is so, I'd happily with every broken memories would say, that's fine.



Not really a bad thing to feel emotionally fresh and  regretfully nostalgic at the same time listening to this song.

It's fresh because this is the kind of song that you would always wanted to hear when you wake up in the morning being reminded by someone you're feeling in love with and hoping that soon enough this person would realize that it's not a bad thing to fall in love with you because you're totally in it.

I find it nostalgic because you've probably once felt this feeling before with your past loved one when things are still quite fresh but of course things didn't work out well. So you're ready for a fresh new start after you've let go of yourself holding on to it and willing to fall again.




Raw Encounter of The Unknown

It is supposed to be the introduction of summer that is knocking our excitement  by now. Apparently, rain is stealing the sunlight. It's none of what I've expected because I don't feel like eating ice cream on rainy days! It's Monday.  It's the first day of the week and I'm supposed to meet my brother but our meeting was cancelled. And I cancelled my classes but I'm happy everything was cancelled because I've given the joy to appreciate this first long day of raindrops in our town.  Oh! How I missed this best companion of all the seasons I always get to meet every year, rain! I always love to kiss it and embrace it. However, I want to feel it without making me wet but only to soak my spirit with it's atmospheric coolness of realm and just simply let me feel it while in  my bed or while writing this.

I'm in my room and feeling everything's a snug yet everything looks yearly redundant . The soft light of my drop light ceilings, the mid breeze of my fan which every once and while making contact to my feeling-just-like-out-of the bathroom skin, the cozy sound of the raindrops and the sound of the car wheels shrieking fast on the miry highway road just across my room. Everything was so finely attuned to the freshness that this rain is providing me right now. I almost did nothing today but to watch movies I didn't even finish because none of it has an interesting mid plot and so I judged it's ending. So I decided why not switch my mood into writing mode and simply describe what my soul is really enjoying.

That's all.

No one can fancy a facial expression of something yet unknowingly real.~Rui :p


Nothing Of Importance

I've been trying to get back here. Been longing to feel my fingers typing, longing  to see my inner reflections in words. Seeing myself alive with lexical patterns, articulating the current swirling vortex of my own thoughts and imagining myself floating in it.

If there is any. Toink!

I don't want to burst my own bubble but honestly I have no thoughts! I mean no useful thoughts that I'm aware of. I've been busy with my new career which I never imagined would come to life! Now I'm alive!

Anyway,  I'm not yet saying goodbye. Just trying to make an informal transition there. See? Told yah! Nothing really much to say here but a bunch of crappy words. Just making a junkie thing to read for spare time. For your spare time. Breathe.

My purpose seriously is to have a friendly typo activity over my blog and simply wanting to see myself typing anything! That's it! Now I'm done!  Chow. Going to leave you with a song. Nyaahhhrrrr!!! I think that roar sound so sexy. No. I'm not in a hurry, just busy.


Please Let Me Excuse Myself..

I don't use explicit words ever in my whole life even there are moments in my life that entitles me to shout and tried to say even one of the lists of bad words but I still don't give a d@#&!

But when I saw this music video of Maroon 5 "Payphone" I thought "Hey! This is how I sound during the epic breakdown of my past. So why don't I feature this on my blog!" I would really sound so amazing. omagawd!  


Was It A Goofy Action?

Things really got funnier lately.  I had problems with my computer and I'm guilty being conscious about it.  Guilty because despite the fact that I knew something is wrong and it is under maintenance I still made a dry run by opening a few lessons.  I guess that's what happened when you've been away for too long and you've missed your job so much you wanted to start everything right away no matter what.

So for that reason I ended up having no student at all.  I made them really uncomfortable. Funny now that my computer is working at its finest I could hardly wait to show it.  How I'm finally audibly clearer.  I mean the clearest ever.  Clearer than they could ever imagined.  That if ever a needle falls and they'd hear it, that is totally going to be the end of my teaching career.

But now I'm back to zero and trying to scale everything up again. :(

By the way, let me show you this video about the recent sky phenomenon of planet Venus crossing the sun. Since I haven't seen it the time it happened I had managed to find a video from NASA itself.  So I hope you'd enjoy it though this will happen again for another 105 years. We're grateful that modern technology has its own way to make it available for our viewing pleasure. And also more grateful that God made things perfectly beautiful. We could enjoy one of the greatest happenings out in the universe without any turmoil because everything was accurately made according to their own movements. Have you ever thought of that? Or are you the one who believes that everything came from accident? Then watch this:


I Used to Love You..

It's been raining a week now. Okay honestly I used to like rain. No actually I've been in loved with it. I used to feel the excitement whenever the rainy season first sprinkle its drop of presence readying to wash away the heat caused by summer season. Then smelling it which reminds me of my childhood days when my grandparents used to hug me warmed with their shirts. I love everything about it not only the smell, the sound, the lazy atmosphere it gives to those who likes to snooze and get cozy doing nothing.  But I also love the chocolate porridge (champorado) we fondly eat during these cold season.

Let's sing in the rain with Beyonce.

Anyway, now that I'm not even expecting it so early this year, it's spoiling everything around me. My running, my cycling, even visiting to the nearest gym made me lame staying at home babysitting my laziness. It's not healthy. I'm done with babysitting. I'm a grown up now and I made a resolution just two months ago.That I will stop nursing laziness and push my body to get active again with whatever sweating, heart raising, pumping activity that I can get myself with. But I was too surprised how rain came so early this year! It used to came over like every September or earlier September. Where it forms and falls down deliriously into typhoon since the first stint of climate change. But now it's annoying me. Why does it came right on time now?  Did the climate finally decided to get healthy? Now that I finally decided to get healthy too.

I can't even work. My internet connection isn't working well. So what am I going to do next? 

Well I tried hitting the gym once but that one time of stubbornness laid me back to settle down at home for a week because it brought me fever and excessive cough. Almost feel like pneumonia that I could feel my lungs sucked out of my throat and sear my eyes bulged every time I cough. Oh my!

Ah well at least I could write, bleh!


I Rue...

My ever supernatural attitude just showed up. Am I giving up all of my social grace over my strange audacity?  I don’t challenge people.  But sometimes I have this inclination to test them with a strangest honesty of my weaklings. It's my nature and I don't intend to do it. It just came out naturally.  I lack the appetite to kiss and make up at each sudden predicament which I think makes me less apprehensible and successfully undesirable.

But I need to be back on earth. I don’t need to be so heartless and mean. If I want to order a living, I must beckon kindness to mankind and to myself as well. Because with huge apparent reason I let my kindness run away for a while.  But now that planet earth is showing me with delirium that there still goodness over Mankind.  Specially the masculine division, it's now time to start learning my way back treating everyone fairly.

I remember one time when I was just starting with my part time job.  A guy furiously cursing me for being so late, even after I coaxed him about the Skype trouble that causes my tardiness he totally bring me to break down like a guilty child. Crying out my apology made me became gloppy wishing I’d simply pressed myself to melt like a cotton candy in front of him. But he felt sorry and apologetic as he find my tears as a real showcase of hurt . Then just like a child I sob while bringing myself back in equilibrium.

Then an hour ago I’m skimpy, squeamish and cold but treated with unwavering calmness of a lulu. It takes a real wise man to treat me with all of my aftermath although they‘re not ever so slightly aware of.  Surprisingly, there are people who were carried to have a sullen crossing in your life just to snap you out of yourself to put your lost spirit back to the real world once again. You steal both of your time and move on afterwards.  I just had an encounter with someone who gave me a level of thought for just a limited time. Giving me a notion that life is still patient to handle me with care.

Somehow this adds up a little of trust on my empty belief bottle.

Pet peeves: A choppy and a wavy connectivity creates greater gap. It make us lose out of track. I pray that my internet connection be good to me the sooner the better.


The Motionless Activity

I can feel my waist grouching. As if it will have a fever soon as I slowly crouch myself on a wooden chair in front of my computer. Screaming at me "Oh! No! Please move your ass girl!" As I fit myself flatly ready. Ready for a long hour of waiting.

If I would like to give myself a lesson on how to be patient without getting bored easily in life. I would need to harness myself on a chair. Passive for many consecutive hours and never to leave until my resting hour. I know it might sound confusing, though sitting is a complete rest. But it's not. I think I might die if sitting became my own torture stake. Sigh.

But the good news is I'm trying to keep up and glad that I'm still alive. I finally found to be active during an inactive moment of my everyday life. That is having the fondness of being a reader. It gives me a sense of activity although some parts of my muscle whine for not making them useful.

So then I breath as I pinned myself to sit and read. But tomorrow I owe my body to move to sweat. I need to pedal or even run. This longing muscles are killing me! 



The 20/20 Vision of Today

 I woke up. Feeling slightly doubtful. But fully happy. Seeing that today will be as wonderful as ever. That's what we call optimism. I just made mine simply 20/20 vision. And you know how I've seen it? No, I actually haven't. But that's what I'm planning to view it. Whatever this day will bring. Bring it on.

Oh! But let me serve your internet breakfast with this sweetest song from Adele. It came from a sweet tooth of mine. Where the sweetest things always felt first. Enjoy!