Touched Dawn Hushed Hushed

I just woke up very early today  and I couldn't sleep at all. This morning weather makes me enough cold, stealthily my Super 7 fan as how it was branded on its front circular panel  makes me a bit colder as it reaches my skin and found myself disclosed without the warmth of a blanket. Unconsciously, I found my feet walking through the kitchen to get some water. I felt I'm being dehydrated hibernating the whole night. There's no signs of any familiar sound from this apartment I've been caving in and all I could hear is my throat gulping a glass of liquid where my eyes squinting heavily looking at the ceiling. I paused. I felt like all my withered cellular levels filling up vigorously soaking me pithy. Then I moved and looked at the mirror on my right the one that my dad made me by himself. He called it butterfly because its frame looks like the wings of a butterfly. It's made of wood. It was tall and wide enough to see my whole body which greeted me with my own messy bun image. Meanwhile, from the outside through the laundry area divided from the kitchen has a wall where I could check the sky through a small hollow block designed opening where I took a glance and saw no shades of light yet. Still it's dark and no clear vision of any sunlight between those roofs and walls of my neighbors while I'm half way emptying my glass.

Even though I've forgotten to check the clock as I got up, I knew it's very early as I satisfied sparging my drowsy stomach.  So I carried my feet way back to bed  where I could see it from my bedroom door lying flat rectangular with no frame to support it but the floor.  I like it simply that way. I find no elbow greasing, sweeping, reaching any corners with a besom for it's sans a frame. Otherwise, it will be troublesome if I put it steady since the bedroom space is enough to only accommodate a big cabinet and a bed, where it looks more conveniently spacious to move around while I dress up with the bed place on the wall. Finally, I checked the time and caught myself up early lying back again at 4:34 am. The atmosphere is still silent and cold.

I guess I had a good sleep. I could feel it in my head way through the back of my eyes as I lay on my back trying to spark my own  fizzy head. I still feel the water. My feelings were not heavy although I'm still a little dreary but I'm feeling actively ready to get up a few minutes more after 5:00 am. My whole system are all now initializing. Still waiting for the alarm to whale out, to validate my awakening. I think it's true from how others describe it when you get older. You get up so early doing actively what you set yourself into and it seems you couldn't sleep longer the way you did when you were 16 years old or in mid 20's not maybe because it's the variance of time that I'm realizing here,  but perhaps it has something to do with how I value my own time. I try to buy it. I'm already mature to do business with time and now I'm trying to be responsible consuming every minute of  it the right way or I'll lose a lot because I know how expensive it is nowadays.

When I was younger I tend to get wasted sleeping late like a moth in the morning until I got up bloated not worrying what I've been missing in life or if life ever be missing me. I just don't care how my time disappears through space in my mistimed, mystique universe. I felt like it is endless even though I know I'm mortal but that's what I felt, but now I feel like I want to do not only a lot of things but productive and meaningful things like I want to read books, routinely read the Bible, write something, make a juice or shake, listen to music, take a bath or even do the laundry in the morning. I try to squeeze everything in between those hours from 5:00 am because I have more things to do after 8:30 am. I still do exercise once or twice for one hour a week. I'm already into a special diet and I think it's even better than consuming may time at the gym.  Things are changing around me these days, I'd say it's for the best. I deserve it. I've already devoted my life helping the people I love. I think it's time for me to use half of my life helping myself then more of the others and to also have my own life.

Truly they say time is more precious than gold. The time a baby was born he/she was already entitled with that treasure to recognize it to waste or consume. As we age the value of time could either increase or decrease depends on how we use it and we're not even aware how valuable it is during our youth. Now I'm starting to value my time that way. I want to spend my life more meaningful and progressive. I've already won my own life to be guided by the highest being of all and I will try to use it the way more peaceful, useful and loved.

Now I'm done with thinking it's time to get up.


the threshold


I saw what a year this would be like 3 years ago maybe not in full details but I knew what I've waited for will come to me this year. Not only because I'd prayed for it for a hundredth times but because I knew 2014 will be a significant year well not only for me but for every one else who knew the importance of this 100th year after the infamous year of 1914 but I won't focus on that. I will only talk about my own 2014. So may you please allow me to tell you an untold story.

For 6 years, I've lived in fear from losing a loved one who were the all time provider of our needs our dad to a wrecked relationship and then fighting my way out from those real demons taking advantage of my situation wherein few people knew how I've struggled with this kind of ordeal but only my friends, few elders from our congregation and my family. That there are things in this world that none of us might believed existed but the Bible never denied there existence because they're the enemies of the one true God and those who exercised faith in Him. How this evil spirits could abuse and harm us the way they could and  will try to beat us down until we could no longer fight and do our sacred service to God but He always finds a way to provide us our own exit to be freed ourselves from those demonic bondage. 

It was long years of fighting and continuous prayers when sometimes I felt like they'd soon going to kill me or they'd let me end up being crazy but gladly not of it ever happened and now here I am being freed. They could no longer touch me or hurt me.  It brought me a lot of fears like I had fear with people, with strangers and having trust issues. I avoid places with dead end. I don't like places that will make feel being trapped like I have nowhere to go. I couldn't breath through it. I feel like I'm gonna die if I find myself in that kind of places again. And of course a lot of things had affected me with that experiences that I need to be careful with. I won't come up in full details, I'm afraid I would only ended up telling you horror stories. And it's not a healthy thing to reminisce everything at all. I'm just sharing a piece of my story.

On a bright side it had protected me being more careful with my choices in life. I become wiser and had helped me know myself well and how I should stick to my honesty no matter what the case is and this year is where all things started. I've wished to become freed from those that harmed me and I'd say I'm now living it that way. I'm not afraid to trust people again and to be open with my feelings towards others and sharing myself again like I usually do. I feel more untouchable but I still need to be very careful in many given times. I need to stick to my own beliefs and faith to be aware not to put myself in a compromising situation that will question my faith while making good choices in life.

Right now I'm living in my own terms, renting my own apartment for almost 4 months now is a sign that I've finally grown myself stronger. I don't want to be over confident. I'm stronger because I pray to God to keep me safe from any harm. Now I'm having more time to focus on my spirituality without being bothered by any other issues in life. I'm surviving and my plans of becoming to be someone more meaningful as a person is slowly getting into me spiritually. I'm becoming more focus and heading straight towards my goal to become more valuable as a human being

It feels good to have a control of your own life with the guidance of your own God. You always have this sense of fulfillment everyday. It makes you always feel like a winner because you've won the love that you need from Him. The love from your own God along with your struggles and ordeal who proves you  He'll always be there taking a  grip of your right hand pulling you out of that sinking situation where no one could help you only but Him.  It was a great relief and I never knew I'd survived those long years of horror. That's why I love this year because here is where I finally set free. I have received a lot of reward this year to say the least. The One true God is the only One who could make everything brand new and provide you with all your needs and this is a year has given me more love and freedom. 


Another let it go moment

I met a guy. Yup! He is someone unexpected but hmm a little not so surprising because sometime ago, I knew someone like him would come but still he freaked me out when he came into reality.  I didn't really expect him would be real. Confusing huh? Well let me tell you why because I thought I only made a normal prayer one night with serious sadness after finally realizing that the past had now moved on without coming back, then my prayer has again been heard as exactly as I wanted. He embodied my list of descriptions into real form.  So when he came right in front of me he was like a fictional character that came into reality who shaken me inside made me frightened. I even tried to hide away myself from him but he has this clever way to be around shaking my ground every once in a while as he tries to prove himself alive and I couldn't let go of anything easily when it's real. Well can you? Shucks! Let me explain a bit further down okay?

Way back 12 years, I prayed for someone as exactly  as the person I wished to love and to hold 2 years before that 12 years then he only passed by like a storm leaving me no room to grow. Now I should have learned the lesson that my prayers can be granted by whatever forces may  that be to make it work to simply pressed hard on me. I have to learn the lesson that I have no match to anyone or am I just trying to make myself believe on that because I'm always afraid. That no one can surmount this strength to bend me over if that's even real to me. That  I am made to stand alone and that would be enough in this life to rejoice me with my success of existence if I'm happy enough with that. And that whenever someone finds me and I make a connection with me like they're a compatible match this world will gone hysterical again and again to find a way to intervene to whatever it takes to help me realized forcibly that I'm owned and I'm kept on my own and that I'm not made to settle my fears for only just one person because I'm the type of person who gets so loyal till the very end even if it means wasting my life forever just because they have the same faith with mine and just because I'm truly naive when it comes to people who could hurt me because I love them and remember that's not even a hint okay?

 So why not consume it to the One who make this beautiful life of mine even more beautiful and possible, right? For a while maybe, I'm not yet done. We always have this habit of coming back. Life  has an undeniable way to connect us through that.  Thanks for making it work. Then kudos to each of us! Applaud! Applaud!



You're always the poetry in my heart. The endearing lights in my every silver linings. The hellos in my every goodbyes and the sunrise in all of my darkest days. The only person behind my strengths and weaknesses. You're always the only one enfolds my mystery.
The only one who catches me when I'm falling quickly.
The only reason behind my solitude. The secret to a lonely free life.

We always carry each other and I'm grateful that you're always with me when things are hopeless and near to destruction. You always save me and fix me. I always feel you. I always feel your sadness, your misery, your love and joy. I always keep you somewhere you always belong. You're my everything when I have nothing.

I might continue flying solo, still you will always be there to find me and bring back my wings whenever I lost it. I wish I could tell you how beautiful you are without a distance but only with a infinite habit of keeping together crazy. I just simply want to be there with you,
nowhere else.

I wish this life has never envied us.
We would have been the most beautiful and most happiest weirdos on earth,
but this is the life we chose. It's righteousness, sacrificial happiness.


Explicitly Poetic

Every girl's dream is to be good at dancing but I won't dance like this, no never. And every boy's dream is to be good at serenading. Well Ed Sheeran has been a master of it. I've loved this song even without this video anyway. But I'm a fan of Britney Spears so I love girls who dance very well and she nailed it.

The first time I heard about this song 'Thinking out loud from this young poetic songwriter and singer I fell in love with all of his album. It felt like being in ancient times of poetry. I love the way how he uses words with his lyrics that if you'd only read it alone you'd find yourself reading a poetry. It's just a genius that he could add artistic sound to it and how he sings it very handsome, cool!


Out Of The Wilderness

How can I describe my life right now after all I have been? I always hear myself say not to look back because the most picturesque memories I had captured in my whole life had been crosshatched by the grayish most atrocious experience of my not so long ago past. There will be no good way to look back with these silver linings hanging over my head. My views will always be distorted and couldn't demagnetize its every annoying forces not to turn my head on remembering everything. That's something that no elements in my circle of life ever to detoxify these certain memories not unless, maybe, my brain would have amnesia.

So I tried not to look back as I tried to always look forward. However, life is a journey. Sometimes we need to look back to understand where we are at this present time in order to figure out if  we're really heading to the future we've envisioned. I've always known where my next destination but this time after I've challenged my fears to get out of its comfort zone, I win some and I lose some. I won because I knew my weaknesses and strengths. I lost because I don't know where I am now. I am caught somewhere I don't know when and where to go. I'm totally clueless.

I used to received an answer in a timely fashion and I'm always entertained by my own consciousness looking around my journey just like an excited traveler, gasping for an air with an open mouth to taste how air should be like, free sans anything suppressing it and I'm someone who no longer mind to put my life over the edge after all I had been in the wilderness.  This time the journey is taking longer to call me. I don't know if being delayed is already to be considered a journey. If it does. I'm still willing to wait for another ride to whenever it will come to pick me up, if I'm still entitled to have one or probably I have already reached my final destination from which I need to stay and start a new life.

I've actually tried to look for a lot of option and I once seen myself down standing with two remaining streets to choose from but the one I've chosen, I've always failed to accomplish anything. It feels like it wasn't for me. It's the most difficult street that people would ever find themselves be walking in but everyone has their own ways to walk through it to succeed and I wish I could also do it in any other way. I just still don't know how that all I have is faith.

Nevertheless, I still long for  something real, something that will lasts and may God help me be there and believe that He would always choose me to give love and protection. I would still wait. Maybe would still wait to hear this life says 'Go or 'Stay. Wherever would I be, I hope I will be in the best future. If that is so, I'd happily with every broken memories would say, that's fine.



Not really a bad thing to feel emotionally fresh and  regretfully nostalgic at the same time listening to this song.

It's fresh because this is the kind of song that you would always wanted to hear when you wake up in the morning being reminded by someone you're feeling in love with and hoping that soon enough this person would realize that it's not a bad thing to fall in love with you because you're totally in it.

I find it nostalgic because you've probably once felt this feeling before with your past loved one when things are still quite fresh but of course things didn't work out well. So you're ready for a fresh new start after you've let go of yourself holding on to it and willing to fall in love again.




Raw Encounter of The Unknown

It is supposed to be the introduction of summer that is knocking our excitement  by now. Apparently, rain is stealing the sunlight. It's none of what I've expected because I don't feel like eating ice cream on rainy days! It's Monday.  It's the first day of the week and I'm supposed to meet my brother but our meeting was cancelled. And I cancelled my classes but I'm happy everything was cancelled because I've given the joy to appreciate this first long day of raindrops in our town.  Oh! How I missed this best companion of all the seasons I always get to meet every year, rain! I always love to kiss it and embrace it. However, I want to feel it without making me wet but only to soak my spirit with it's atmospheric coolness of realm and just simply let me feel it while in  my bed or while writing this.

I'm in my room and feeling everything's a snug yet everything looks yearly redundant . The soft light of my drop light ceilings, the mid breeze of my fan which every once and while making contact to my feeling-just-like-out-of the bathroom skin, the cozy sound of the raindrops and the sound of the car wheels shrieking fast on the miry highway road just across my room. Everything was so finely attuned to the freshness that this rain is providing me right now. I almost did nothing today but to watch movies I didn't even finish because none of it has an interesting mid plot and so I judged it's ending. So I decided why not switch my mood into writing mode and simply describe what my soul is really enjoying.

That's all.

No one can fancy a facial expression of something yet unknowingly real.~Rui :p


The You Don't Know Who

It will only take just one glance of half a second to start a memory that will last. They say that whenever you meet people you automatically sort them out. You categorize them like a piece of colored candy and you knew exactly which part of your life they'd best filled in. Friends, enemies and strangers they all have lots of room to spare. Your family has already taken the seat of a royalty. However, there's probably one person who's exceptional, always indescribable, unique probably because it somehow gave you a feeling which no one else has ever given you. And you just couldn't ignore it because it always banged you like an alarm clock telling you to wake up because this is reality and it's time for you to feel this. So just wake up. It's just so awesome sometimes, but mostly frustrating to even give in.

 By the way, although the lyrics of this song ain't that perfect to paint what I feel. Let me take note that I wasn't lonely. I was completely happy and not needing anything until something happened.


Nothing Of Importance

I've been trying to get back here. Been longing to feel my fingers typing, longing  to see my inner reflections in words. Seeing myself alive with lexical patterns, articulating the current swirling vortex of my own thoughts and imagining myself floating in it.

If there is any. Toink!

I don't want to burst my own bubble but honestly I have no thoughts! I mean no useful thoughts that I'm aware of. I've been busy with my new career which I never imagined would come to life! Now I'm alive!

Anyway,  I'm not yet saying goodbye. Just trying to make an informal transition there. See? Told yah! Nothing really much to say here but a bunch of crappy words. Just making a junkie thing to read for spare time. For your spare time. Breathe.

My purpose seriously is to have a friendly typo activity over my blog and simply wanting to see myself typing anything! That's it! Now I'm done!  Chow. Going to leave you with a song. Nyaahhhrrrr!!! I think that roar sound so sexy. No. I'm not in a hurry, just busy.


Please Let Me Excuse Myself..

I don't use explicit words ever in my whole life even there are moments in my life that entitles me to shout and tried to say even one of the lists of bad words but I still don't give a d@#&!

But when I saw this music video of Maroon 5 "Payphone" I thought "Hey! This is how I sound during the epic breakdown of my past. So why don't I feature this on my blog!" I would really sound so amazing. omagawd!  


Was It A Goofy Action?

Things really got funnier lately.  I had problems with my computer and I'm guilty being conscious about it.  Guilty because despite the fact that I knew something is wrong and it is under maintenance I still made a dry run by opening a few lessons.  I guess that's what happened when you've been away for too long and you've missed your job so much you wanted to start everything right away no matter what.

So for that reason I ended up having no student at all.  I made them really uncomfortable. Funny now that my computer is working at its finest I could hardly wait to show it.  How I'm finally audibly clearer.  I mean the clearest ever.  Clearer than they could ever imagined.  That if ever a needle falls and they'd hear it, that is totally going to be the end of my teaching career.

But now I'm back to zero and trying to scale everything up again. :(

By the way, let me show you this video about the recent sky phenomenon of planet Venus crossing the sun. Since I haven't seen it the time it happened I had managed to find a video from NASA itself.  So I hope you'd enjoy it though this will happen again for another 105 years. We're grateful that modern technology has its own way to make it available for our viewing pleasure. And also more grateful that God made things perfectly beautiful. We could enjoy one of the greatest happenings out in the universe without any turmoil because everything was accurately made according to their own movements. Have you ever thought of that? Or are you the one who believes that everything came from accident? Then watch this:


I Used to Love You..

It's been raining a week now. Okay honestly I used to like rain. No actually I've been in loved with it. I used to feel the excitement whenever the rainy season first sprinkle its drop of presence readying to wash away the heat caused by summer season. Then smelling it which reminds me of my childhood days when my grandparents used to hug me warmed with their shirts. I love everything about it not only the smell, the sound, the lazy atmosphere it gives to those who likes to snooze and get cozy doing nothing.  But I also love the chocolate porridge (champorado) we fondly eat during these cold season.

Let's sing in the rain with Beyonce.

Anyway, now that I'm not even expecting it so early this year, it's spoiling everything around me. My running, my cycling, even visiting to the nearest gym made me lame staying at home babysitting my laziness. It's not healthy. I'm done with babysitting. I'm a grown up now and I made a resolution just two months ago.That I will stop nursing laziness and push my body to get active again with whatever sweating, heart raising, pumping activity that I can get myself with. But I was too surprised how rain came so early this year! It used to came over like every September or earlier September. Where it forms and falls down deliriously into typhoon since the first stint of climate change. But now it's annoying me. Why does it came right on time now?  Did the climate finally decided to get healthy? Now that I finally decided to get healthy too.

I can't even work. My internet connection isn't working well. So what am I going to do next? 

Well I tried hitting the gym once but that one time of stubbornness laid me back to settle down at home for a week because it brought me fever and excessive cough. Almost feel like pneumonia that I could feel my lungs sucked out of my throat and sear my eyes bulged every time I cough. Oh my!

Ah well at least I could write, bleh!


I Rue...

My ever supernatural attitude just showed up. Am I giving up all of my social grace over my strange audacity?  I don’t challenge people.  But sometimes I have this inclination to test them with a strangest honesty of my weaklings. It's my nature and I don't intend to do it. It just came out naturally.  I lack the appetite to kiss and make up at each sudden predicament which I think makes me less apprehensible and successfully undesirable.

But I need to be back on earth. I don’t need to be so heartless and mean. If I want to order a living, I must beckon kindness to mankind and to myself as well. Because with huge apparent reason I let my kindness run away for a while.  But now that planet earth is showing me with delirium that there still goodness over Mankind.  Specially the masculine division, it's now time to start learning my way back treating everyone fairly.

I remember one time when I was just starting with my part time job.  A guy furiously cursing me for being so late, even after I coaxed him about the Skype trouble that causes my tardiness he totally bring me to break down like a guilty child. Crying out my apology made me became gloppy wishing I’d simply pressed myself to melt like a cotton candy in front of him. But he felt sorry and apologetic as he find my tears as a real showcase of hurt . Then just like a child I sob while bringing myself back in equilibrium.

Then an hour ago I’m skimpy, squeamish and cold but treated with unwavering calmness of a lulu. It takes a real wise man to treat me with all of my aftermath although they‘re not ever so slightly aware of.  Surprisingly, there are people who were carried to have a sullen crossing in your life just to snap you out of yourself to put your lost spirit back to the real world once again. You steal both of your time and move on afterwards.  I just had an encounter with someone who gave me a level of thought for just a limited time. Giving me a notion that life is still patient to handle me with care.

Somehow this adds up a little of trust on my empty belief bottle.

Pet peeves: A choppy and a wavy connectivity creates greater gap. It make us lose out of track. I pray that my internet connection be good to me the sooner the better.


The Motionless Activity

I can feel my waist grouching. As if it will have a fever soon as I slowly crouch myself on a wooden chair in front of my computer. Screaming at me "Oh! No! Please move your ass girl!" As I fit myself flatly ready. Ready for a long hour of waiting.

If I would like to give myself a lesson on how to be patient without getting bored easily in life. I would need to harness myself on a chair. Passive for many consecutive hours and never to leave until my resting hour. I know it might sound confusing, though sitting is a complete rest. But it's not. I think I might die if sitting became my own torture stake. Sigh.

But the good news is I'm trying to keep up and glad that I'm still alive. I finally found to be active during an inactive moment of my everyday life. That is having the fondness of being a reader. It gives me a sense of activity although some parts of my muscle whine for not making them useful.

So then I breath as I pinned myself to sit and read. But tomorrow I owe my body to move to sweat. I need to pedal or even run. This longing muscles are killing me! 



The 20/20 Vision of Today

 I woke up. Feeling slightly doubtful. But fully happy. Seeing that today will be as wonderful as ever. That's what we call optimism. I just made mine simply 20/20 vision. And you know how I've seen it? No, I actually haven't. But that's what I'm planning to view it. Whatever this day will bring. Bring it on.

Oh! But let me serve your internet breakfast with this sweetest song from Adele. It came from a sweet tooth of mine. Where the sweetest things always felt first. Enjoy!


The Husky Morning

My sister just graduated. We rustled up for a simple soiree since she will be the last to graduate in our family. We never missed the chance to serve her at least this time. Because she's the youngest which explains the latter.

We rent videoke machine to bolster our hungry vocals. We feast with tad but subtle dishes. We spent the night marginally content teeming our spirits with foods, friends and menu of songs.

It will only be 3 hours now before the morning dawn. Still 2nd sister with our soulful classy friend are audibly present teeming the early part of the morning with their cadence of sounds, while I prepped up, plunged and tucked myself warmed with my bedfriend listening to their lullabies until my eyes retired.

Congratulations to our youngest sister. I hope we made her happy because she made us happy for being such a good girl. For not giving us a headache nor brought us into any trouble. She still our baby with cute little birthmark on her cute tiny hands. Still the sweetest girl. The timid one who never grumbles but trusts us instead.

Congratulations to all the graduates!


My Nightcap

It's past midnight. I should be consumed now. Not because I'm overly tired of today's oddments though it's completely the opposite. But because this is the right time to sleep. Unlikely the hours that I stole during daytime whenever I feel like it.

That I should be assisting myself to bed now. That I should be carrying myself like a kid to brush my teeth and skim my face and legs of thin bubbles husking smudges brought by my own lazy weather. But instead I'm fully awake. Freshly composing myself with a night so overly spoilt. Even the raucous gecko didn't want to bother.

But I possess the undisciplined kid who's tolerating me to be the stubborn adult. So I engulfed her with a lovely order to finish what she's been doing. So I can tuck her up in bed or else the next hours can be nightmarish. Glad we didn't had a long struggle. Glad she made this night supple.

..Sleep tight like a butterfly. May the sweetest dream enthralls you tonight. :*