The Science Behind You

You've got to find your edge. It's a banality type of slogan piloting and cheering up in your mind as you frustrate your spirit finding the best place to land after orbiting around a planet  where no longer life form to sustain you.

Six months is a crucial time to incubate yourself. Bewildered with a process to which you're not sure how things will turn out as you see yourself going out alive while your faith clothes and embrace you with everything you need as you start treading. Your God is powerful and there's no mountain you'd go anywhere unhappy on that.

Now, just an hour ago you've bumped into meeting a person you've preserved somewhere on your exterior to which you believe will be forgotten or it won't remember you, but it remembers you.

You don't know how you and that specs of yours will work to make another set of you. All you know is that it's now alive and happy making threads of words gracing on your behalf. You'll be just fine.


The Unlifelike Achievement Award

You won’t disgrace things that is all pulling apart when you knew that it will delight you as it successfully make way to land gracefully at your meadow.

Sometimes everything that fills your cardboard as you stay out of your usual routine won't hesistantly get into the notion of keeping you not because it's unlifelike object of history, but because there's nothing to it that will truly serve you today and tomorrow. 

Do you ever think of how time, which isn’t even an item is wasted like a toothpaste and the next time you notice, you’re wedging between you and your  empty tube because you have to buy another one.

Four years ago was now finally a number of choices to forget. Life in this system will only guarantee you a series of events, but never will offer you a lifetime of what they say great achievements. 


Like a flowing river

That’s it. Consistency. Honesty. 
That’s what I’m going for. That’s all I’m going for.
 I will come here on a regular basis and write something honest. About life and love and self and struggle. 

Sometimes, that something will be happy/silly/sparkly/celebratory. 
Sometimes, that something will be sad/serious/murky/melancholy. 
Because sometimes, sometimes we 
missed life in those different ways.



Humility, I thought I always carry it in my sleeves. I thought that every time I show myself to people I show humility and I thought that everything I do my most intended to become is to be humble. But that was all in my own deceiving thoughts until something happened, something happened in my life that brought me to realized that I become the opposite of what I though I was.

It was 2010 when I started to rebuild myself. I was ruined due to my own imperfect decisions in life. Maybe even before then I really didn't know what I truly wanted in life and that I depend everything that goes along my way thinking that maybe this is the road that I needed to cross without even measuring and balancing things up if my intentions were good enough to fit in not just for a while but for eternity. After many years, I always put myself in a situation not really as exactly as it is but just similarly and it made me finally realized that I'm no longer allowed to do the same mistakes again because it will always put me in jeopardy. I finally accepted the reason behind every pattern I put myself in that I will always be happy on my own with the best relationship that I only find myself happy is with Jehovah God. Anyway, I shouldn't go back thinking of things that has already been thrown out in oblivion. My point is, failure is always present in this imperfect system and I shouldn't let it get me that much.


Thy Life

Each and everyday we learn a lesson. A lesson that we could only seize to study vague or blurry. We all learn that way. Our minds could only be busied with things unknown otherwise what's the sense of knowing if we already knew everything. Mine is no different, I do this all the time. It's learning a lesson about life, people, love, ourselves and God. I believed that the reason why things happened is to help us understand who we are and how it affects our relationship with Jehovah God. Not actually understanding what is happening and why it is happening to us but only to seek who we are inside to finally understand what God asks us to do as we deal with the life's situation that we are unable to handle and to understand how will we ever become after overcoming it.   Sometimes we hear ourselves say, "because I'm like this and I'm like that..that's why it happened. Once you finally realized that, you already started to find the reason and fix it. So if you read this phrase, "Everything happens for a reason" it is to motivate you to understand yourself and to help you see that there is more to what you perceived inside you and only God knows what he sees in you that's why you have to seek him for his guidance and sooner or later he we reveal to you what he has found and incorporate it in your own life according to his will to be used for special purpose to glorify him with the right intention, with a good sound of mind and obedient heart. And you will be solidified by that kind of relationship with God and the people who's not only around you but also to those you meet everyday who is also like you learning in life.


Very 2015

How's my 2015? It all started like a frozen tale of hopes and beauty until I reached the very end. It's very 2015. I'm losing my hopes in life in terms of things that I'm honestly frustrated but not desperate with. Never compromise everything just to get the happiness you have longed for in this world. If something requires you to lay all your cards just to win, forget that. Give your best and learned how it changed everything and I'm just tired of explaining. I'm so exhausted.

This year has consumed me. But it's a kind of consumption where you've actually gained yourself a good reward for helping others. Though it has stole all my interest of sharing because everything all goes down the drain. But I have a lot of things to focus on for this coming year. I should refocus myself & pick up all the lessons I've learned. I'm always the one who dreams that there are better days. I always have a high hopes of tomorrow and my life has never been this successful and strong because I've always managed to get out of every storm stronger and healthier. That I am surviving while passing through this system of things, knowing that I pleased God though most of the time I failed him, but just like a father He knows me well. Moreover, this year has been nice to me and I'd ended up being happy because I'll get to leave this year without regrets. That's far most important for someone who always tries her best to keep her ground to own it. 



Life always gives you a once in a lifetime offer that you can only have two choices to consider either you take it or you leave it. Have you found yourself been into this game of life? Because I want to figure out how someone been grateful or regretful about it.

Does life lacking its supplies of privileges to offer to every individuals on Earth? Or maybe individuals are not just that aware of the package because sometimes the good stuff are wrapped only with an old newspaper that you would have thought there's nothing special to it. While it is what will give you lots of opportunities in life. While the ruthless gift was wrapped with a golden paper and dazzling decorations with a ribbon on it. But the time you opened it up, there's no turning back. It will only bring a toil of obligations the time you held it. I just wish I will have a good decision to leave or to stay committed. 



the threshold


I saw what a year this would be like 3 years ago maybe not in full details but I knew what I've waited for will come to me this year. Not only because I'd prayed for it for a hundredth times but because I knew 2014 will be a significant year well not only for me but for every one else who knew the importance of this 100th year after the infamous year of 1914 but I won't focus on that. I will only talk about my own 2014. So may you please allow me to tell you an untold story.

For 6 years, I've lived in fear from losing a loved one who were the all time provider of our needs our dad to a wrecked relationship and then fighting my way out from those real demons taking advantage of my situation wherein few people knew how I've struggled with this kind of ordeal but only my friends, few elders from our congregation and my family. That there are things in this world that none of us might believed existed but the Bible never denied there existence because they're the enemies of the one true God and those who exercised faith in Him. How this evil spirits could abuse and harm us the way they could and  will try to beat us down until we could no longer fight and do our sacred service to God but He always finds a way to provide us our own exit to be freed ourselves from those demonic bondage. 

It was long years of fighting and continuous prayers when sometimes I felt like they'd soon going to kill me or they'd let me end up being crazy but gladly not of it ever happened and now here I am being freed. They could no longer touch me or hurt me.  It brought me a lot of fears like I had fear with people, with strangers and having trust issues. I avoid places with dead end. I don't like places that will make feel being trapped like I have nowhere to go. I couldn't breath through it. I feel like I'm gonna die if I find myself in that kind of places again. And of course a lot of things had affected me with that experiences that I need to be careful with. I won't come up in full details, I'm afraid I would only ended up telling you horror stories. And it's not a healthy thing to reminisce everything at all. I'm just sharing a piece of my story.

On a bright side it had protected me being more careful with my choices in life. I become wiser and had helped me know myself well and how I should stick to my honesty no matter what the case is and this year is where all things started. I've wished to become freed from those that harmed me and I'd say I'm now living it that way. I'm not afraid to trust people again and to be open with my feelings towards others and sharing myself again like I usually do. I feel more untouchable but I still need to be very careful in many given times. I need to stick to my own beliefs and faith to be aware not to put myself in a compromising situation that will question my faith while making good choices in life.

Right now I'm living in my own terms, renting my own apartment for almost 4 months now is a sign that I've finally grown myself stronger. I don't want to be over confident. I'm stronger because I pray to God to keep me safe from any harm. Now I'm having more time to focus on my spirituality without being bothered by any other issues in life. I'm surviving and my plans of becoming to be someone more meaningful as a person is slowly getting into me spiritually. I'm becoming more focus and heading straight towards my goal to become more valuable as a human being

It feels good to have a control of your own life with the guidance of your own God. You always have this sense of fulfillment everyday. It makes you always feel like a winner because you've won the love that you need from Him. The love from your own God along with your struggles and ordeal who proves you  He'll always be there taking a  grip of your right hand pulling you out of that sinking situation where no one could help you only but Him.  It was a great relief and I never knew I'd survived those long years of horror. That's why I love this year because here is where I finally set free. I have received a lot of reward this year to say the least. The One true God is the only One who could make everything brand new and provide you with all your needs and this is a year has given me more love and freedom. 


Who are you?

You came in unexpectedly. I never knew someone like you existed.
Someone who will make me feel something I couldn't define.

I've been sitting here since morning trying to reciprocate from
the things you've shown me but hardly it seems the universe
still couldn't define us. I couldn't find the meaning of what we
truly are under this sun to enlighten me with what we're having.

Can you simply
define it? Sometimes I feel you strongly and sometimes I don't feel
you, but in both ways it has made a hole in my head where I let you in.
You're like someone inside me where I don't know where you're
hiding but I know what you're thinking and I know how you're
creeping in.

I watched you from a far and then I watched the people around me
quite observing if they would ever make feel this way.
I know this is cliche but I feel like I've known you for so long but
I can't understand why of all the people your existence has never
been this overwhelming.

But only one thing is for sure that great things don't come easy. 
That whenever I try to run away, I would still ended up running back
to you and that is something this life has ever puzzled me. 

So let me share you this song just to burst out some bubbles. Since I feel like I'm just trying to sound like a  half poet and the other half you guess. :p



You're always the poetry in my heart. The endearing lights in my every silver linings. The hellos in my every goodbyes and the sunrise in all of my darkest days. The only person behind my strengths and weaknesses. You're always the only one enfolds my mystery.
The only one who catches me when I'm falling quickly.
The only reason behind my solitude. The secret to a lonely free life.

We always carry each other and I'm grateful that you're always with me when things are hopeless and near to destruction. You always save me and fix me. I always feel you. I always feel your sadness, your misery, your love and joy. I always keep you somewhere you always belong. You're my everything when I have nothing.

I might continue flying solo, still you will always be there to find me and bring back my wings whenever I lost it. I wish I could tell you how beautiful you are without a distance but only with a infinite habit of keeping together crazy. I just simply want to be there with you,
nowhere else.

I wish this life has never envied us.
We would have been the most beautiful and most happiest weirdos on earth,
but this is the life we chose. It's righteousness, sacrificial happiness.


Out Of The Wilderness

How can I describe my life right now after all I have been? Well, I always hear myself say not to look back because the most picturesque memories I had captured in my whole life had been crosshatched by the grayish most atrocious experience of my not so long ago past. There will be no good way to look back with these silver linings hanging over my head. My views will always be distorted and couldn't demagnetize its every annoying forces not to turn my head on remembering everything. That's something that no elements in my circle of life ever to detoxify these certain memories not unless, maybe, my brain would have amnesia.

So I tried not to look back as I tried to always look forward. However, if life is a journey, I should savor every moment. Sometimes we need to look back to understand where we are at this present time in order to figure out if  we're really heading to the future we've envisioned. I've always known where my next destination but this time after I've challenged my fears to get out of its comfort zone, I win some and I lose some. I won because I knew my weaknesses and strengths. I lost because I don't know where I am now. I am caught somewhere I don't know when and where to go. I'm totally clueless.

I used to received an answer in a timely fashion and I'm always entertained by my own consciousness looking around my journey just like an excited traveler, gasping for an air with an open mouth to taste how air should be like, free sans anything suppressing it and I'm someone who no longer mind to put my life over the edge after all I had been in the wilderness.  This time the journey is taking longer to call me. I don't know if being delayed is already to be considered a journey. If it does. I'm still willing to wait for another ride to whenever it will come to pick me up, if I'm still entitled to have one or probably I have already reached my final destination from which I need to stay and start a new life.

I've actually tried to look for a lot of option and I once seen myself down standing with two remaining streets to choose from but the one I've chosen, I've always failed to accomplish anything. It feels like it wasn't for me. It's the most difficult street that people would ever find themselves be walking in but everyone has their own ways to walk through it to succeed and I wish I could also do it in any other way. I just still don't know how that all I have is faith.

Nevertheless, I still long for  something real, something that will lasts and may God help me be there and believe that He would always choose me to give love and protection. I would still wait. Maybe would still wait to hear this life says 'Go or 'Stay. Wherever would I be, I hope I will be in the best future. If that is so, I'd happily with every broken memories would say, that's fine.



Not really a bad thing to feel emotionally fresh and  regretfully nostalgic at the same time listening to this song.

It's fresh because this is the kind of song that you would always wanted to hear when you wake up in the morning being reminded by someone you're feeling in love with and hoping that soon enough this person would realize that it's not a bad thing to fall in love with you because you're totally in it.

I find it nostalgic because you've probably once felt this feeling before with your past loved one when things are still quite fresh but of course things didn't work out well. So you're ready for a fresh new start after you've let go of yourself holding on to it and willing to fall in love again.




Raw Encounter of The Unknown

It is supposed to be the introduction of summer that is knocking our excitement  by now. Apparently, rain is stealing the sunlight. It's none of what I've expected because I don't feel like eating ice cream on rainy days! It's Monday.  It's the first day of the week and I'm supposed to meet my brother but our meeting was cancelled. And I cancelled my classes but I'm happy everything was cancelled because I've given the joy to appreciate this first long day of raindrops in our town.  Oh! How I missed this best companion of all the seasons I always get to meet every year, rain! I always love to kiss it and embrace it. However, I want to feel it without making me wet but only to soak my spirit with it's atmospheric coolness of realm and just simply let me feel it while in  my bed or while writing this.

I'm in my room and feeling everything's a snug yet everything looks yearly redundant . The soft light of my drop light ceilings, the mid breeze of my fan which every once and while making contact to my feeling-just-like-out-of the bathroom skin, the cozy sound of the raindrops and the sound of the car wheels shrieking fast on the miry highway road just across my room. Everything was so finely attuned to the freshness that this rain is providing me right now. I almost did nothing today but to watch movies I didn't even finish because none of it has an interesting mid plot and so I judged it's ending. So I decided why not switch my mood into writing mode and simply describe what my soul is really enjoying.

That's all.

No one can fancy a facial expression of something yet unknowingly real.~Rui :p


The You Don't Know Who

It will only take just one glance of few seconds to start a memory that will last. They say that whenever you meet people you automatically sort them out. You categorize them like a piece of colored candy and you knew exactly which part of your life they'd best filled in. Friends, enemies and strangers they all have lots of room to spare. Your family has already taken the seat of a royalty. However, there's probably one person who's exceptional, always indescribable, unique probably because it somehow gave you a feeling which no one else has ever given you. And you just couldn't ignore it because it always banged you like an alarm clock telling you to wake up because this is reality and it's time for you to feel this. So just wake up. It's just so awesome sometimes, but mostly frustrating to even give in.

 By the way, although the lyrics of this song ain't that perfect to paint what I feel. Let me take note that I wasn't lonely. I was completely happy and not needing anything until something happened.


Was It A Goofy Action?

Things really got funnier lately.  I had problems with my computer and I'm guilty being conscious about it.  Guilty because despite the fact that I knew something is wrong and it is under maintenance I still made a dry run by opening a few lessons.  I guess that's what happened when you've been away for too long and you've missed your job so much you wanted to start everything right away no matter what.

So for that reason I ended up having no student at all.  I made them really uncomfortable. Funny now that my computer is working at its finest I could hardly wait to show it.  How I'm finally audibly clearer.  I mean the clearest ever.  Clearer than they could ever imagined.  That if ever a needle falls and they'd hear it, that is totally going to be the end of my teaching career.

But now I'm back to zero and trying to scale everything up again. :(

By the way, let me show you this video about the recent sky phenomenon of planet Venus crossing the sun. Since I haven't seen it the time it happened I had managed to find a video from NASA itself.  So I hope you'd enjoy it though this will happen again for another 105 years. We're grateful that modern technology has its own way to make it available for our viewing pleasure. And also more grateful that God made things perfectly beautiful. We could enjoy one of the greatest happenings out in the universe without any turmoil because everything was accurately made according to their own movements. Have you ever thought of that? Or are you the one who believes that everything came by accident? Then watch this:


I Used to Love You..

It's been raining a week now. Okay honestly I used to like rain. No actually I'm in love with the rain. I used to feel the excitement whenever the rainy season first sprinkle its drop of presence readying to wash away the heat caused by the summer. Then smelling it which reminds me of my childhood when my grandparents used to hug me warmed with their shirts. I love everything about it not only the smell, the sound, the lazy atmosphere it gives to those who likes to snooze and get cozy doing nothing. I raised my hands on that but also the chocolate porridge we fondly eat during these cold season.

Let's sing in the rain with Beyonce instead.

Anyway, now that I wasn't even expecting it so earlier it is spoiling everything around me, my running, my bicycling, even visiting to the nearest gym made me lame staying at home babysitting my laziness. It's not healthy. I'm done with babysitting. I'm a grown up now and I made a resolution just two months ago.That I will stop nursing laziness and push my body to get active again with whatever sweating, heart raising, pumping activity that I can get myself with. However, I was too surprised how rain came so early this year! It used to came over like every September or earlier September where it has formed and fell down deliriously into typhoon since the first stint of climate change. Now it's annoying me. Why does it came right on time now?  Did the climate finally decided to get healthy? Now that I finally decided to get healthy too.

I can't even work. My internet connection isn't work well. So what am I going to do? 

Well I tried hitting the gym once but that one time of stubbornness laid me down to settle at home for a week because it brought me fever and excessive cough. Almost feel like pneumonia that I could feel my lungs sucked out of my throat and sear my eyes to bulge every time I cough. Oh my!

Ah well at least I could write, bleh!


I Rue...

My ever supernatural attitude just showed up. Am I giving up all of my social grace over my strange audacity?  I don’t challenge people.  But sometimes I have this inclination to test them with a strangest honesty of my weaklings. It's my nature and I don't intend to do it. It just came out naturally.  I lack the appetite to kiss and make up at each sudden predicament which I think makes me less apprehensible and successfully undesirable.

But I need to be back on earth. I don’t need to be so heartless and mean. If I want to order a living, I must beckon kindness to mankind and to myself as well. Because with huge apparent reason I let my kindness run away for a while.  But now that planet earth is showing me with delirium that there still goodness over Mankind.  Specially the masculine division, it's now time to start learning my way back treating everyone fairly.

I remember one time when I was just starting with my part time job.  A guy furiously cursing me for being so late, even after I coaxed him about the Skype trouble that causes my tardiness he totally bring me to break down like a guilty child. Crying out my apology made me became gloppy wishing I’d simply pressed myself to melt like a cotton candy in front of him. But he felt sorry and apologetic as he find my tears as a real showcase of hurt . Then just like a child I sob while bringing myself back in equilibrium.

Then an hour ago I’m skimpy, squeamish and cold but treated with unwavering calmness of a lulu. It takes a real wise man to treat me with all of my aftermath although they‘re not ever so slightly aware of.  Surprisingly, there are people who were carried to have a sullen crossing in your life just to snap you out of yourself to put your lost spirit back to the real world once again. You steal both of your time and move on afterwards.  I just had an encounter with someone who gave me a level of thought for just a limited time. Giving me a notion that life is still patient to handle me with care.

Somehow this adds up a little of trust on my empty belief bottle.

Pet peeves: A choppy and a wavy connectivity creates greater gap. It make us lose out of track. I pray that my internet connection be good to me the sooner the better.


The Motionless Activity

I can feel my waist grouching as if it will have a fever soon as I slowly crouch myself on a wooden chair in front of my computer. Screaming at me "Oh! No! Please move your ass girl!" As I fit myself flatly ready. Ready for a long hour of waiting.

If I would like to give myself a lesson on how to be patient without getting bored easily in life. I would need to harness myself on a chair. Passive for many consecutive hours and never to leave until my resting hour. I know it might sound confusing though sitting is a complete rest but it's not. I think I might die if sitting became my own tortured stake. Sigh.

But the good news is I'm trying to keep up and glad that I'm still alive. I finally found to be active during an inactive moment of my everyday life. That is having the fondness of being a reader. It gives me a sense of activity although some parts of my muscle whine for not making them useful.

So then I breath as I pinned myself to sit and read and tomorrow I owe my body to move to sweat. I need to pedal or even run. This longing muscles are killing me!